happiness

The most beautiful autumn in my life.

I am a mother now.

The first few weeks were horrible. Proper Guantanamo. I was subject to sleep deprivation, high frequencies noise, got open wounds in my private places, sore and bleeding nipples, hemorrhoids that felt like my entire guts were out and my lower back muscles completely gone after pushing for hours!

If that was not enough my super swollen ankles that looked and felt like gigantic paws.

In other words – I was yet to experience the miracle of motherhood!

Then…weeks passed. Quicker than expected, easier than expected. The body started getting back to its normal self, the mind too. Mothers are a living proof that you can get used to everything: to sleeping in tranches of 2 hours, to changing your baby while you are still half-asleep yourself, to exposing your boob in public even if you thought before it would be too awkward to do. I even got used to drinking the breastfeeding aniseed tea (to boost lactation) while before I always HATED aniseed and felt instantly sick  if somebody offered me licorice.

What helped me in this process of adjustment to the new reality was my baby herself. A tiny creature completely dependent on me, who has been day by day more and more aware of her surroundings, more responsive, more cooperative, more smiling.

My baby girl is 12 weeks now.

She is a wonder.

We spend day and nights together, we learn, we walk, we laugh, we read, we watch, we dance, we exercise, we cry, we talk, we love each other the most in the world.

I forgot all about the pain of delivery and how difficult the first few weeks have been.

I do not miss my life as it was before. I do not miss going out, travelling, spa days, wine, high heels. I do not even care about my additional kilograms which are still there, not so easy to loose.

Instead, I do recommend motherhood. It is the best feeling in the world.

 

 

 

 

Very soon…

It has taken me 6 months to write! Why?

I guess I have been busy, with work, with growing my enormous belly, with pelvic pain, with pregnancy yoga, with holidays to Tenerife, with my Mum’s visit, with my last exam to get yet another degree (‘never stop learning’), with my broken car that smelled burnt oil inside which freaked me out completely (‘I am going to asphyxiate as is my unborn child!’). We’re both fine by the way.

My due date is this Sunday, so really close and I genuinely think my skin cannot stretch anymore because if it was it would tear, aaa!

My plan was to write to my child upfront on this very forum and to introduce the child into the worlds’ matters and the ‘life on earth’.

But then…a few genius musicians passed away, including the third of my childhood heroes Prince (after Michael J. and Whitney H.) who got found dead in his mansion’s lift; some crazy people shot other people frantically almost every day; some crazy politicians used the desperate refugees from distant countries to antagonize those of us (still us-humans) who got too comfortable with safety (!) and possessions; some allegedly desperate refugees proved to be super stupid and too horny to keep the zip up which pissed out (rightly so) a lot of ‘on-the-fencers’ when it comes to the refugee crisis. Donald Trump rose to the position of a major arrogant bully in the world; Polish far right government managed to pull the Poles out on the streets for the first time in decades and managed to fall into serious financial troubles in just 6 months after gaining the parliamentary majority; the Queen turned 90 in rain and the UK suddenly realised it needs its sovereignty back from Brussels (?) and holds the Brexit referendum today and so on and so on…

The world got so divided, so antagonized, so miserable, so violent and I have not even mentioned the Zika virus!

I have had no desire to write about anything. I just felt sorry for the world, for myself, for the fact that my childhood, my innocence is gone forever and the world is turning into a horrible place.

How ironic it is to bring a child into this world just now. There seem to be no hope, the recent events seem to lead to another global unrest, another world war.

But then…wait…

We had two weeks of summer two weeks ago in Scotland and it was lovely. I went to the beach a few times, no not to swim, we are still in the North after all, but to walk on the silky sand; Poland made it to the kick-off stages of Euro2016 and my car is now fixed.

So maybe, maybe there is hope.

I wish you all as always a very good day and if you don’t hear from me for the next 6 months I will be busy breastfeeding 🙂

 

Why I like the Glaswegians.

Today’s reason for liking Scotland are the Glaswegians. There might be a serious lack of sunshine in Scotland but the Glaswegians don’t need it anyway as they have sunshine in their hearts. They are the most outgoing and cheerful people in the world. They are sweet. Every time I am in Glasgow I am chatted up by somebody who simply is interested in learning about me. This is exactly what we do in Poland.

When I first moved away from Poland for London, I found it quite frustrating how people ran a converstion. It was very superficial, like they were asking questions but were not interested in answers. This British ‘how are you?’ without waiting for a reply is quite shocking for a foreigner. Where I come from when we ask ‘how are you?’ we do expect you to tell us not only about all your medical conditions which prevent you from being happy but we do wait to hear about all your darkest secrets.

Before I have moved to Scotland I was convinced that everywhere in Britian all that your interlocutor wants to hear from you after asking you ‘how are you?’ is ‘fine’. Anything more than ‘fine’ is not invited and will not be heard anyway.

But Glasgow is different. The Glaswegians are indeed interested in you.

Yesterday in the Costa cafe in the center of Glasgow I met a lovely young man. Just as I was paying for a ridiculous amount of coffees and teas (for all my colleagues), somebody said:

-Oh, so you are paying today. I’ll get one flat white please.

-Hmm, where I come from it is always a man who pays – I reacted immediately.

-Haha, and from where I come from the women pay – he said.

Then of course he questioned whether I was to drink 4 coffees and 2 teas on my own to which I replied that I have had a wee drinking problem for some time now.

John (as I learned) had a very interesting mix of talents as he was a chef and a public speaking coach in one. I told him what I was doing for living.

John was so easy to talk to and we liked one another instantly. This is what I love about humankind, this is what I like about Glaswegians. They are approachable, warm and real. They are as they are, no need for acting.

I told John I preferred Glasgow to Edinburgh as the people of Edinburgh keep themselves to themselves a lot. John said: ‘To me Edinburgh is like a fallen cat walk model which used to be fabulous, has not been for a long time now now but still behaves like one’.

Ha, I couldn’t have put it more aptly.

Freedom = Creativity = Happiness ≠ Regular Job = A Trap

I have known this for a long time and every time my personal “cashflow” is in danger,  I tend to forget this simple truth: “I am really not made for a regular job”. I am annoyed, I am bored after just a few months of anything that in the beginning seems to be new and potentially exciting. Why do I lie to myself, why? I know, in the depth of my heart, I know what it is that annoys me so much about having a regular job – it takes away my freedom!

I can only be creative when I am happy. I can only be happy when I am free. I cannot be free when I am trapped. I feel trapped when I have to be in the same exact place every day from Monday to Friday. I feel trapped when I have 25 days of freedom in a whole year.

What if I feel TODAY like taking my camera and going out there to take pictures beacuse the sky is so beautifully just-before-the-storm dark blue?

What if I feel TODAY like staying in bed and at last pushing forward my short story on three women stuck on the train from its current page number two to page three or maybe even four?

What if I feel TODAY like taking my car to Zandvoort and having a long walk at the sea finished with a fresh herring roll which I would consume sitting right there on the freezing cold sand?

What should I do?

What?

It is Monday and I have to go to work!

It is Monday and I will have to do what I am obliged to do for the next five days!

It is Monday!

Oh, dear lottery, dearest postcode loterij, the most fantastic euromilions, all the greatest lotteries in the world – why don’t you let me win??? Just once! Pleeeeeease!