The most beautiful autumn in my life.

I am a mother now.

The first few weeks were horrible. Proper Guantanamo. I was subject to sleep deprivation, high frequencies noise, got open wounds in my private places, sore and bleeding nipples, hemorrhoids that felt like my entire guts were out and my lower back muscles completely gone after pushing for hours!

If that was not enough my super swollen ankles that looked and felt like gigantic paws.

In other words – I was yet to experience the miracle of motherhood!

Then…weeks passed. Quicker than expected, easier than expected. The body started getting back to its normal self, the mind too. Mothers are a living proof that you can get used to everything: to sleeping in tranches of 2 hours, to changing your baby while you are still half-asleep yourself, to exposing your boob in public even if you thought before it would be too awkward to do. I even got used to drinking the breastfeeding aniseed tea (to boost lactation) while before I always HATED aniseed and felt instantly sick  if somebody offered me licorice.

What helped me in this process of adjustment to the new reality was my baby herself. A tiny creature completely dependent on me, who has been day by day more and more aware of her surroundings, more responsive, more cooperative, more smiling.

My baby girl is 12 weeks now.

She is a wonder.

We spend day and nights together, we learn, we walk, we laugh, we read, we watch, we dance, we exercise, we cry, we talk, we love each other the most in the world.

I forgot all about the pain of delivery and how difficult the first few weeks have been.

I do not miss my life as it was before. I do not miss going out, travelling, spa days, wine, high heels. I do not even care about my additional kilograms which are still there, not so easy to loose.

Instead, I do recommend motherhood. It is the best feeling in the world.






Very soon…

It has taken me 6 months to write! Why?

I guess I have been busy, with work, with growing my enormous belly, with pelvic pain, with pregnancy yoga, with holidays to Tenerife, with my Mum’s visit, with my last exam to get yet another degree (‘never stop learning’), with my broken car that smelled burnt oil inside which freaked me out completely (‘I am going to asphyxiate as is my unborn child!’). We’re both fine by the way.

My due date is this Sunday, so really close and I genuinely think my skin cannot stretch anymore because if it was it would tear, aaa!

My plan was to write to my child upfront on this very forum and to introduce the child into the worlds’ matters and the ‘life on earth’.

But then…a few genius musicians passed away, including the third of my childhood heroes Prince (after Michael J. and Whitney H.) who got found dead in his mansion’s lift; some crazy people shot other people frantically almost every day; some crazy politicians used the desperate refugees from distant countries to antagonize those of us (still us-humans) who got too comfortable with safety (!) and possessions; some allegedly desperate refugees proved to be super stupid and too horny to keep the zip up which pissed out (rightly so) a lot of ‘on-the-fencers’ when it comes to the refugee crisis. Donald Trump rose to the position of a major arrogant bully in the world; Polish far right government managed to pull the Poles out on the streets for the first time in decades and managed to fall into serious financial troubles in just 6 months after gaining the parliamentary majority; the Queen turned 90 in rain and the UK suddenly realised it needs its sovereignty back from Brussels (?) and holds the Brexit referendum today and so on and so on…

The world got so divided, so antagonized, so miserable, so violent and I have not even mentioned the Zika virus!

I have had no desire to write about anything. I just felt sorry for the world, for myself, for the fact that my childhood, my innocence is gone forever and the world is turning into a horrible place.

How ironic it is to bring a child into this world just now. There seem to be no hope, the recent events seem to lead to another global unrest, another world war.

But then…wait…

We had two weeks of summer two weeks ago in Scotland and it was lovely. I went to the beach a few times, no not to swim, we are still in the North after all, but to walk on the silky sand; Poland made it to the kick-off stages of Euro2016 and my car is now fixed.

So maybe, maybe there is hope.

I wish you all as always a very good day and if you don’t hear from me for the next 6 months I will be busy breastfeeding 🙂



Mondays take a long time to get through. This is because Monday is the first day of a week and people are lazy and sleepy after the weekend.
Sometimes Mondays are exciting but this is usually when you are on annual leave or if Monday is a bank holiday. In Scotland by the way, there is much less bank holidays than in England and seriously less than in Poland. Especially recently we have a bank, or I shall rather say, a church holiday almost every month in Poland.

Anyway, Monday can be nice.

Today for example, the sun is shinning and the city looks really sweet, quite spring-like even if it is a middle of winter and there was frost today on my car.

I woke up with a headache and I find it difficult to build a sentence in English. You need to remember I am not a native speaker, all I know I have learnt, it is not my first language.

We have had some discussions with your Dad on how we will teach you both our languages. The problem is you Dad does not speak Polish so it will be a bit awkward if there is three of us trying to talk. My idea is that I will talk to you only in Polish and your Dad will talk to you only in English in which case you will naturally pick up both languages and in the future if you cannot or don’t want to do anything else you can be a translator 🙂 Good plan?

Let’s see how it goes. Maybe your Dad will suddenly feel an urge to learn my beautiful language. Maybe.

Other news – a great musician died today – David Bowie. You will definitely listen to his music a lot.

And today is a birthday of two of my very good friends. I spoke to one last night already (I wanted to be first to wish her happy birthday) and I will call the other this afternoon. She does not yet know about you and I am looking forward to see her reaction 🙂

Lots of love,
Your Mama.

2016 – The World We Live In.

Today is the first day of a new year. This is a year 2016. The world we live in is green and blue. It is stunning, so stunning that often it will take your breath away. The trees, the rivers, the beaches, the plains, the mountains, the animals and, finally, the people, all this can be wonderful (I will have to play you ‘What a wonderful world’ by Luis Armstrong).

It can also be scary and sad. Unfortunately.

The scariness of this world should not bother you for at least a few first years. When the time comes I will explain to you why people are sometimes bad.

Will I?
Hmm, do I know?
Do I know why people exalt over the others, why they want to control the others, why they mistreat them, torture them and often kill them. I do not really know why. I can speculate, imagine, try to understand. I can read books in the subject and draw conclusions. In fact, we can do it together.

But for now… relax and sleep. I live a healthy life (I am doing my best) so you can grow healthy and happy.

We are waiting for you in this world of paradoxes and opposites.

Your Mama.

Another beautiful day!!

It seems that summer came to Scotland at last. For the last 2-3 weeks we have had a gorgeous weather. The sun has been shining the sky is blue and the air is warm and mild.

How not to fall in love in a place like this?

It’s Tuesday morning, I’m sitting in my living room looking out of the window onto my big green garden and yes, i’m happy!

I need to go to my office and do sone work that pays but really I’d rather keep writing.

all these excuses – making a living/earning, being with people rather than chosing a solitary profession – these are the reasons why I do not write!

But my characters, my heroes are there; they are in my head. They have lived there for years and hopefully the day comes when you will meet them:)

Have a great day everyone!

Why I like the Glaswegians.

Today’s reason for liking Scotland are the Glaswegians. There might be a serious lack of sunshine in Scotland but the Glaswegians don’t need it anyway as they have sunshine in their hearts. They are the most outgoing and cheerful people in the world. They are sweet. Every time I am in Glasgow I am chatted up by somebody who simply is interested in learning about me. This is exactly what we do in Poland.

When I first moved away from Poland for London, I found it quite frustrating how people ran a converstion. It was very superficial, like they were asking questions but were not interested in answers. This British ‘how are you?’ without waiting for a reply is quite shocking for a foreigner. Where I come from when we ask ‘how are you?’ we do expect you to tell us not only about all your medical conditions which prevent you from being happy but we do wait to hear about all your darkest secrets.

Before I have moved to Scotland I was convinced that everywhere in Britian all that your interlocutor wants to hear from you after asking you ‘how are you?’ is ‘fine’. Anything more than ‘fine’ is not invited and will not be heard anyway.

But Glasgow is different. The Glaswegians are indeed interested in you.

Yesterday in the Costa cafe in the center of Glasgow I met a lovely young man. Just as I was paying for a ridiculous amount of coffees and teas (for all my colleagues), somebody said:

-Oh, so you are paying today. I’ll get one flat white please.

-Hmm, where I come from it is always a man who pays – I reacted immediately.

-Haha, and from where I come from the women pay – he said.

Then of course he questioned whether I was to drink 4 coffees and 2 teas on my own to which I replied that I have had a wee drinking problem for some time now.

John (as I learned) had a very interesting mix of talents as he was a chef and a public speaking coach in one. I told him what I was doing for living.

John was so easy to talk to and we liked one another instantly. This is what I love about humankind, this is what I like about Glaswegians. They are approachable, warm and real. They are as they are, no need for acting.

I told John I preferred Glasgow to Edinburgh as the people of Edinburgh keep themselves to themselves a lot. John said: ‘To me Edinburgh is like a fallen cat walk model which used to be fabulous, has not been for a long time now now but still behaves like one’.

Ha, I couldn’t have put it more aptly.

On Being a Failed Writer

Writers Without Money

At the age of 50, I am a failed writer. Except for a few articles on CounterPunch, everything I’ve published has been self-published. I’ve worked tens of thousands of hours, written hundreds of thousands of words, and have never made a dime. Had I spent the same amount of time at a minimum wage retail job, I’d be rich, or at least a shift-supervisor at Starbucks. I haven’t been able to find an audience. You probably won’t even read this.

So why don’t I quit?

I tried. From the age of 25 to the age of 50, I had one goal In life, to cure myself of the urge to write. But I failed. Let me explain.

The urge to write should never be confused with the ability to make a living by writing, or even the ability to express yourself by putting words down on paper. T. S…

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